Archive for July 30, 2013

Zombie-Massacre-Poster-1-610x862

I guess being an amateur, unpaid, armchair movie critic with at least something of an online following occasionally has its perks — from time to time, for instance, somebody (who I may or may not even “know” particularly well via, say, facebook or twitter) will unexpectedly send something interesting to my email inbox and I’ll discover an unexpected little gem that I otherwise would’ve known nothing about. That’s always nice.

On the flipside, however, once in awhile somebody will afford me the opportunity to watch, ahead of its release date (via means I shan’t discuss) something like the coming-straight-to-home-video-in-a-few-weeks, Italian-produced cheapie Zombie Massacre — which is also circulating under the obvious rip-off title Apocalypse Z in some territories where, apparently, the hope is that audiences are even more gullible than they are here in the US — and that’s just plain flat-out cruel.

Not that I hold sending this my way against my nameless “benefactor” in any way, shape, or form , mind you — the name of this blog is Trash Film Guru, after all, and if there’s one thing Zombie Massacre can lay more than fair claim to, it’s being trash — but I will say that this is one gift horse whose tooth-decayed, yellowing, halitosis-oozing mouth I’ve looked into and found to be a yawning, gaping, putrefying abyss.

But then, what do you expect? I’m told that most horses don’t floss regularly.

So here’s the deal — while I wasn’t exactly blown away by this summer’s mega-blockbuster zombie epic World War Z, whose coattails this flick is so obviously as desperately trying to latch onto (not that I particularly disliked it it either, mind you — it was just sort of there), it positively comes off as an undead Citizen Kane  compared to this mess.

The writer/director team of Luca Boni and Marco Ristori has a lot to answer for here, from the deplorable choices made vis a vis their no-name (for good reason) cast to their insipid storyline revolving around a failed US government experiment to create a “super soldier” (not actually in the US, mind you, but in eastern Europe) that results in a zombie-plague outbreak that some privatized mercenary army is brought in to “put down” by means of nuking the area, which will then be sold to the public  as  a radiation leak at the local atomic power plant (or something) to the bargain-basement CGI on display (although, in fairness, some of the “real” makeup effects they employ aren’t too bad) to the general amateur-but-not-in-a-good-way tone to the entire proceedings, but let’s be honest — whenever Uwe Boll is close at hand, some of the blame’s going to end up, fairly or not, attaching itself to him, as well.

Yes, friends, the creative “mind” behind the likes of House Of The Dead and the BloodRayne “franchise” is on hand here, serving as producer and turning in a cameo as the least-believable president of the United States in cinematic history, and his unique brand of excruciatingly-uninteresting Z-grade moviemaking oozes from each and every slimy celluloid pore of Zombie Massacre, regardless of who really directed the thing. If it looks like a Uwe Boll film, plays like a Uwe Boll film, feels like a Uwe Boll film, and most importantly smells like a Uwe Boll film, then goddamnit, it is a Uwe Boll film, at least in my book. no matter what the credits say.

I honestly don’t know how Boll so consistently does it — by all rights I should love his films, since they’re crap, but they’re always such dull and pointless crap, you know? Needless to say, this is no exception.

But don’t take my word for it (or better yet, do) — if a thirtieth-rate production of Blackwater vs. zombies sounds good to you, rest assured that this flick — under one of its titles — will be available for your home viewing edification any day now.  I’ve done my part by warning you, from here on out you’re on your own.

As the tagline on the poster so rightly says — “There Is No Hope.” Truer words were never spoken.