Happy Birthday, Mr. Lovecraft : “The Tomb”

Posted: August 27, 2015 in movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

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I’m so sorry, dear readers, for concluding our mini Lovecraft round-up with this one, but somebody had to watch Ulli Lommel’s 2007 bastardization of The Tomb (or, as it’s fully titled, H.P. Lovecraft’s The Tomb) so that you don’t have to. And I guess that “somebody” is me.

What we have here, then,  is a shot-on-HD micro-budget “torture porn” quickie that bears absolutely no resemblance to the story upon which it’s supposedly “based” (concerning, for those of you not in the know, a man who becomes obsessed with an ancient tomb and begins to secretly visit it only to have the horrors it contains begin to infringe upon his existence) and instead plays out like the gutter-level Saw rip-off it is, with a couple of idiots named Tara (Victoria Ullmann) and Billy (Christian Behm) imprisoned by a sadistic piece of shit who calls himself “The Puppetmaster” and gets off on making life hell for random strangers that he captures for the sake of his depraved “amusement.”

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Okay, sure, there’s a little more to it than that — but not much. We get some backstory meant to explain the origins of our masked fuckhead’s idea of a “good time,” and it turns out some other hapless losers are being held in his supposed “warehouse,” as well, but honestly, you’ll be so bored with this flick by the ten-minute mark that all of that will just sort of whiz right by you. The horseshit special effects and completely listless, going-thought-the-motions performances of all the cast don’t help matters much, either, and all in all you seriously have to wonder both why this movie was ever made in the first place, and what Lovecraft’s name is doing anywhere near it.

I suspect the answer to both queries is the same : Lommel did it because he could.

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One thing he absolutely can’t do, though — as he’s demonstrated time and again — is churn out a film that anyone would give a flying fuck about. So at least he’s kept his streak intact with this one. Beyond that, there’s really nothing much more to say about this fetid pile of celluloid (okay, taped) excrement other than”the less said, the better.”

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The Tomb was streaming on Netflix until a short while ago, but now they appear to have had the good and/or contractually obligated sense to take it down, so if you want to torture yourself worse than this “Puppetmaster” nob ever could by actually watching the thing, you’ll have to resort to DVD. I’m not going to give you the specifics on who released it or where you can find it, though, because I have no desire to be party to your pathetic masochistic tendencies. I’ve done my part by warning you not to waste your time, my conscience is clean.

Comments
  1. trashfilmguru (Ryan C.) says:

    Reblogged this on Through the Shattered Lens.

  2. Oh, Ulli Lommel. Someday, I’m going to punish myself (and probably my readers as well) by doing a Ulli Lommel blogathon.

  3. Victor De Leon says:

    ugh. jeebus. this sound atrocious bro.

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