Halloween On Hulu 2016 : “The Amityville Haunting”

Posted: October 12, 2016 in movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

the_amityville_haunting_2011

Why do I do it to myself?

Seriously, you (whoever “you” may be) and I both know exactly what we’re getting we’re getting into with these lame “found footage” horror flicks from The Asylum, and there’s precisely zero chance that the next one we happen across will be at all “different” to the others in any way, and yet — there it was, sitting in Hulu’s “horror and suspense” section, and I couldn’t resist it. 2011’s The Amityville Haunting. “The lost recordings of the Benson family,” we’re told, who were apparently dumb/and or broke enough to move into the infamous Amityville house house despite knowing full well what happened to the DeFeo family there years — hell, decades at this point — earlier. Cue 86 minutes of exactly what you expect.

the-amityville-haunting-2012-movie-4

We start with a couple teenage kids fucking in an abandoned house, getting killed by a ghost (or something), and leaving their iPhone behind with the whole thing “caught on tape.” Then the unlucky Benson clan moves in. Their son, Tyler, records everything that happens in their whole boring-ass lives. The house is haunted. When the ghost shows up, the images get all static-y. The sounds goes a little loopy, too. Over time dad starts cracking up under the strain. The hauntings become more frequent. Things rattle around in the house. More static-infested images. The ghost is the wandering undead spirit of Ronald DeFeo, Jr. The house is obviously not “the” Amityville house at all, but whatever. Things continue to escalate until everyone dies. The end.

Seriously. That’s it. About the only thing noteworthy that happens is a cringe-worthy moment when Tyler finds the old iPhone with the sex footage on it and decides to show it to his mom and dad, which might be normal behavior in, say, the Trump household, but is rightly considered weird — to say the least — anywhere else. Apart from that, everything you’ve just seen fades from memory pretty quickly — and thank goodness for that.

the_amityville_haunting_8

Director Geoff Meed (who goes uncredited, as is the custom in these things) has crafted what may be the most eminently forgettable “mockumentary” horror in history with this one, and that’s saying something. The entire cast is uniformly lousy to the point where they ought to be embarrassed and I’ll spare you the breakdowns of individual performances not only because I’m feeling lazy buy because unless you’re related to, or grew up with , the likes of Devin Clark, Steven Dell, Piper Kennedy, or Gracie Largent, you won’t care that they’re in this film any more than whatever production intern assembled the credits reel did. Besides, these aren’t actors, this is “genuine footage,” right? The effects are cheap and lousy. The dialogue is rancid. The “scares” are nonexistent. The — no, wait, I give up, this isn’t worth any more of  even the less-than-half-assed effort I’m putting into it.

the-amityville-haunting-2011-fanart

Recently, The Asylum has pleasantly surprised me with a couple of their offerings, most notably Little Dead Rotting Hood, but let’s be brutally honest — 99.99% of what they crank out is still unmitigated crap, and you need look no further than The Amityville Haunting for proof of that. And yet, next year come October, I’ll probably get a wild hair hair to waste my time on one of their celluloid abominations again. That’s just how it goes, I offer no excuse —

 

Comments
  1. Ryan C. (trashfilmguru) says:

    Reblogged this on Through the Shattered Lens.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s