Halloween On Hulu 2016 : “666 The Devil’s Child”

Posted: October 16, 2016 in movies
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

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Okay — who in the fuck‘s bright idea was this?

I get that every low-budget indie filmmaker needs a “hook” of some sort, but this is the most curious one of all : get washed-up former tabloid mini-sensation Nadya Suleman, better known as the infamous “Octomom,” to appear in a “found footage” flick about a lady trying to sucker a guy into getting her pregnant so that she can give birth to, as the title implies, the devil’s kid (I know, I know — you’d think that if you wanted to have Satan’s baby, the best way to go about that would be to get Satan himself to knock you up, but apparently not) — and cast her not as the succubus who’s eager to get a very hot bun in her oven, but as the guy’s “second fiddle” platonic best friend, who’s a virgin to boot! A woman who’s only remembered — to the extent that she’s even remembered at all — for having 14 kids and being convicted of welfare fraud would, you would think, be a natural choice to play a character who’s angling to get pregnant, but whaddya know? It may be her very first film, but Suleman is already being cast against type.

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In any case, the plot particulars here are as follows : a dull, personality-free schmuck named Brad (played by Jeff Kongs) hits it off with some good time girl he meets on the internet named Jessica (Chanon Finley), and when he she invites him over to spend the weekend at her house, he brings along his pal Vanessa (Suleman), because I guess that’s the smart thing to do when you’re getting together for the first time with somebody you pick up off a dating site. Or something. I dunno, I’m old enough that I remember when people hooked up at bars and parties and shit like that. In any case, it’s a stroke of luck for Vanessa because she’s an aspiring documentary filmmaker working on her end-of-term project about supernatural phenomena, and Jessica’s home apparently rests right smack dab on top of ancient Native American burial grounds and all kinds of haunted-type shit has happened there over the years.

Or so we’re told. That whole plotline is actually dropped pretty quickly in favor of the whole poorly-thought-through vampire/succubus thing mentioned already that actress Finley certainly fits the bill for in terms of her physical appearance, but unfortunately she can’t really be said to be able to act in the least — which puts her in good company, truth be told, because her co-“star,” Kongs, certainly can’t, either. Suleman, for her part, comes off marginally better than the other two principals involved here, but that’s still not exactly a compliment since the bar has been set so incredibly low.

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Tell you what, friends, I won’t sugar-coat things for you at all here : this flick is just plain bad all the way across the board. Apparently director Manzie Jones actually filmed this abomination back around 2009 under the title Millennium, but it sat around un-released until 2014, when it popped up on various home viewing platforms (including Hulu, obviously) under the curiously colon-free title of 666 The Devil’s Child. But it should have been left to rot in celluloid limbo a lot longer — preferably forever. The script, hacked out by somebody named Kristopher Michel, is a confused mess that switches gears when it becomes apparent that its initial premise is only good enough to milk about a 20-minute short out of, but unfortunately his “Plan B” is only worth about another 20 minutes, as well — yet this thing goes on for an interminable-seeming 74 minutes, and I’m sorry, but that’s just plain cruel. Especially when the dialogue is uniformly lousy and the hand-held “mockumentary” direction completely flat and uninspired. Usually in even the worst of these ultra-low-budgeters you’ll find at least one person you can point to whose efforts lead you to conclude that they might have some sort of future in the business, but not so here. Everyone involved with this production should just stick with their day jobs, whatever they may be — except for Suleman,  who’s apparently doesn’t have one.

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Final verdict, then? Don’t put yourself through this, for any reason. In fact, I would openly welcome the antichrist’s conquest of Earth (oh, wait, that already seems to be happening by means of the Trump campaign) if ol’ Beelzebub could promise us that no flick this fundamentally, inarguably worthless would get made under his watch.

 

Comments
  1. Ryan C. (trashfilmguru) says:

    Reblogged this on Through the Shattered Lens.

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